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02 August 2020
7:02 pm

I don't want to smoke. I want to stop smoking. I know I want to stop smoking. I want to be a non smoker. I will do these things. Why is it so easy at first, and then after a week, it gets incredibly hard? One dipshit sets me off and I spend 24 hours in the bargaining and begging process. I would like for that to stop now, please. Raging head, cool yourself. No one can do this for you. Take a breath and breathe again. Walk around the block again. Think about how cool money is again. Fuck. I don't want to chain myself to the couch again. I'm okay with taking on little triggering tasks, but this steamrolling motherfucker is making me want to quit my d&d game, and that's pissing me off enough that I go back to not being able to see a day without smoking. Fuck him. Don't give him that power. And don't let him take the game. It's really all I have right now. Fuck.

I'm slowly adding more diaries to my buddylist. Names I've seen on the site forever and have just never.. I don't know. I wasn't often connected with anyone, I rarely reached out. There are only so many people here, at least as far as who shows up in the list. And I hate everywhere else. Here, there is no endless scroll, only clicking.

Goddamn it. Why am I so willing to tolerate insufferable people and have sympathy for men who have been ostracized by others for probably good reasons, even if I don't know what they are. This is what it gets me. A brain on fire and an immediate willingness to turn back on something that felt surprisingly successful for nine days. Today is ten days. I can do more days. I want to do more days. I mean, right now, I want to say fuck it, but I know, after just this short period of time, how gross it will taste and how much I will regret it. I would try to walk around the block again but I took too many calming pills today, so when I tried to walk earlier I was a little too wobbly and sleepy to get the benefit from it, and frankly, quite cranky about the temperature in the shade, and how hard it is to find one full block in my neighborhood that gets full sunlight.

I'm not saying summer is over already, but fuck me, I'm going to need sleeves soon. It's really the only thing I dislike about living here (except for my lack of pals, but that could be anywhere, ha-ha), but unfortunately, it's a big one.