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green is a good color in dreams

09 August 2020
9:07 pm

It's a little late for me to be drinking coffee given my current sleep cycle, but I left the air conditioner at a lower setting before I left the house, and I didn't expect to be sitting in the rain. The coffee is burned after sitting there for hours anyway, so I'll have a few sips, waste a little sugar, and we'll call it good. I have the front door open to let some of the outside air in, and to listen to the rain... I just wish the road noise wasn't there as well. I was reminded today of the short time I had that room in northeast, and how it was little more than a few steps from a train bridge. The train song is far preferable to the bus rattle. Things to consider if we ever move.

Dan will be on his way home shortly. I'm not ready, but not in a mean way. It's been a good break for solitude, and just over 48 hours is nice of him since he's staying with his mom. In part it's a break from him, in part it's just time with myself, in a different way than it is staying in a hotel. That's nice too, but here... this is my home. All my stuff is here. Honestly, this may be the longest period of time I've spent here without him. In five years. I'd hoped that this time would result in more cleaning/organizing projects on my end, things that would help create some more space for the two of us to exist separately (honestly there is so much room, it's just arranged strangely)... but that's part of why it feels like it hasn't been enough time. I've just gotten into my own head and peace, now there would be space to do that work. But hopefully I can carry this forward, at least some of the things I've been doing.

My activities were a little different than I expected. I spent four hours on a video call with Alicia, essentially hanging out with someone, and I don't even know how that much time went by. We've been talking often again and I am very grateful for that. I like her a lot, we understand each other, and it's easy for the most part. Today I played some games online with DanM, and was reminded both of the reasons I like him and why he can be frustrating. It's hard to be taught a game that is ALL rules by someone who has been playing it for 20 years, especially when you're a better teacher than they are.

Last night, I did some follow along 'learn to draw' stuff and.. art was on my list of things to do. I'm very glad I did. I'm looking at it now, this sketched out cute animated sort of elven face and it reminds me that I am capable. There are things I like to do, things I'm good at, things I could practice at, things I just enjoy.. and some of them are things I stopped doing because I felt judged by past people. And it's really just time to stop all that.

So many walks. I think I've walked every day this week. Yesterday and today - two walks. I don't know if it's because I'm taking walks when I have difficult craving moments or if I'm just starting to crave them on their own merit, but I'll be sitting here and start jonesing for it. Go outside, move about. I'm not even doing real cardio, I'm just walking to the creek and back, looking at yards and taking in the sun, singing while I do it to try to stretch out my lungs.

My second walk yesterday was magical. Spiritually invigorating. At some point Thomas came to the door - he was one of my first customers at the store, and the first I formed any familiarity with. He waved to me from across the street the other day, but otherwise I don't think I've seen him since I quit. He had a box of Skittles and asked if I wanted to buy some candy. "Thomas, why are you selling candy?" He had a car accident, his lady's car is broken, something something, who knows. He's nice, but a little skittish. We've talked outside the store (meaning while I wasn't working and literally just hanging out by the fence around the store). He doesn't work, I'm not entirely sure why, but I know he's got some stuff head-wise. He's told me some of his story and.. it's a lot. Anyway, I talked to him a little bit but said I couldn't help - I honestly thought I'd given the last of my cash to JP. Thomas has never asked me for money. I think I gave him a bag of stuff from the store on loan once, and I gave him a few spare weed crumbles one of the days he was wandering around whining about not being able to get any. Like, never anything direct, or even seemingly directed at me. Who knows, maybe I am too nice and not helping. Two of his kids were my favorites of all the youths who would come in. They always asked for free hot chocolate and were occasionally little shits, but they knew I liked them, and would treat me fairly when I got mad at them for coming in with expectations of free shit rather than requests.

Reading these sentences, like.. I have a problem. I know it. But I don't work there anymore, now do I. Okay, good.

Anyway, we talked a little with him at the sidewalk and me at the door, I wished him good luck. After awhile I thought about it and looked, and realized I did have more cash than I thought. Did I really want to go about this? Am I being weird? I don't have a job. I also don't have kids. While I was questioning my abilities and motives, I saw him wandering around the crosswalk again, so I decided to go for it. I put some cash and a little bag in an Altoids container, peeked out the door, but he was gone. Well, now what the fuck? I knew the general direction he lived, but that could be anywhere for blocks. But I was looking for another walk, so why not.

I wandered. I let it take over. It's been a long time, and it's something I've been craving. Feeling like something is moving through me, or I am riding a wave, instead of feeling like I am navigating cluttered narrow hallways, like loose matter is something one tries to breathe. I wandered up and down streets. I paused when I saw something that caught my eye, or something I wanted to photograph. Should I go this way or that? Shrug and go with your gut. I wandered in circles and zig zags, looking at yards I haven't seen before even though they are less than a block or two from my house. Children found their way on top of the school. I noticed them trying to get up there the day before. Good job, youths. Enjoy this time. There are no rules and that's where I would be if I were you. Well, no, if it had been me, I would have been on the ground watching the other kids climb up there, too afraid to try myself, either for fear of getting in trouble or falling. Anyway, just when I was about to give up, as usually happens (but, as you should, I didn't think about it that way), I decided to take one more pass down a street I'd tried at least twice already. I was going to turn back at the end of the block, but there he was. I tossed him the tin and left so he wouldn't get in trouble, by his words, for a lady in the yard. I don't have much. I do what I can.

The most important part of this walk is that I'd been praying all day for it to rain. It was warm, but humid. It felt like rain, but the forecast said nothing of the sort. While I was walking I started to feel the faintest ghost rain, like moisture was just forming droplets on my arms and legs, and I started to think I might be hallucinating it, since that is on my list of things the doctor asks me about. But the more I walked, the more I felt like they were getting fatter, more real, and I pushed it harder. I put on music that smells like rain, like driving in Florida rain, like the past. The wind picked up with the music and I stood at a nearby neighborhood intersection grinning like a damn fool when the rain started to actually fall, squinting my eyes like a teenager who'd just watched The Craft for the first time.

It was a fucking delight, and tonight's second walk started with blue skies, but when I reached my turn around point, the soft rolling thunder started and followed me home. When I got back to my house, the cloud cover was moving into the blue just beyond my street, and I watched arcing lightning over me, thin like the strands of my hair blowing around. Then, I just sat on the stoop and listened to the music again, blissed out on the smell of wet dirt and the visual of rain bouncing on the street. If only the cars would go away.

My dreams lately have been so stressful, so annoying, so full of people I don't want to be bothered by anymore, people to avoid, breakups to renact, but last night I dreamed of giant river rocks and a lake, and streets that had been taken over by grass. Somehow I knew it was 9 am before I woke up, and it was 15 minutes past.

Dan's home now. He's been home for fifteen minutes or so. I told him I had to finish this first and then I would welcome him home properly. I said what I needed, he's been quiet since, and I haven't felt bad about it. I hope can keep it up.