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crone x eros = discomfort

15 August 2020
3:18 pm

shitbirds. I wish I could get in a pool. I would go to a lake even (I'm still dubious.. the strange seaweed.. the FISH), but I'm sure not going to do that on a weekend. I just want to be in the water. I mean, for regular summer reasons, but I sure managed to muck up my back again, and I just want to be weightless so my body will relax and stretch it out. I'm pretty much only comfortable sitting at my desk on this flat chair where I can keep a certain posture.

I felt it a few days ago - I bent down to pick something up or twisted? I was emotionally perturbed. And I felt it twitch or do whatever it does. The next day, missing my walks, I forced one. I went out to read. There are benches at the end of the block, but they are part of the school property. At some point a small child came by with their adult and turned away. Feeling bad, I decided to try to make it to the creek. I regretted it almost immediately, but I was being stubborn. I made it down there and was both stuck there and uncomfortable, so as soon as I could, I came back. A couple days ago, even though I couldn't sleep because of it, I decided to try a walk again, because I was having major frustration difficulties in talking with Dan and wanting to smoke. I was not very conscious as I was getting ready to go out, so I felt it do its weird shifty thing as I started to go out the door. But I wanted it, so I tried, and made it about halfway down the block before I turned around.

A friend has been doing prenatal yoga to combat her own situation, so maybe I'll look into that? I don't know. It's a weird one. Like, I might feel a bit of direct pain if I move suddenly in the wrong way, but I'm otherwise not feeling pain in the way I normally would. It's more of a general discomfort everywhere, as has been the case with a lot of things. Like, I know my body is moving in the same way, and if I dig my knuckles in the right spots, I can feel the pain that is also relief that accompanies this condition.. but it's like I'm having the effects of pain without feeling it. It's very strange. Much like the episodes that read like migraines but don't have the pain.

..the fuck is up, body? Who knows!

I'd like to talk about the cards a friend pulled for me from a deck.. I can't remember the name of it, but it's not a traditional tarot deck. Anyway, my question, after much musing on how to phrase it, was "what should I do in the present to result in an ideal future?" The first card drawn was the crone. After I stopped laughing and said, "yeah, but that's complicated," she drew Eros, and then I laughed some more. So... I'd like to talk about that, but typing this has given me more discomfort, soooo.. I guess I'm gonna.. I don't know. Hang myself by the ankles.

That fits.