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Very Chill

03 November 2020
8:09 am

Last night I thought:

it's weird to wait four years for something
it's weird it's been four years
it's weird to wait four years for something and have it be tomorrow
it's weird to wait four years and not want to go to sleep because it's tomorrow
and what if it's another four years

I was very chill yesterday. Very Chill (tm). Typing/writing all day, desk dance parties, goofing off. I resisted the brief urge to return to fb, because the urge was to be there to entertain and comfort folks. It's nice, but I'm learning boundaries, and though taking care of other people helps me look past my own shit, I don't want a repeat of last time. Looking back at some of those posts is thoroughly embarrassing or cringey, and I put so much effort into the people around me that I didn't stop for myself until it was too late. I'm already fried from this year, and I don't want the mania (unless it's the kind that cleans my house) or the depression crash. I definitely don't want the Paranoia (tm), because an appropriate level of concern is plenty. So, I'm not taking that information in, and I'll limit my care tactics to Dan, chats with the other people close to me, and posting ridiculous videos on Instagram, where I am less likely to see things i want go be separated from.

I was very chill yesterday. The plan is to be very chill again today. I've woken up after dreaming about traveling deeper into a tunnel-like wooden hallway in varying heights (I watched Being John Malkobich the other day) and already my body is rigid, my stomach flopping like a doomed fish. I'm going to get up and eat breakfast. Dan is going to make a nice dinner tonight. My plan was to be leisurely this morning. Get dressed up. Do my morning writing, then go vote, but I think I might have to just go get it over with so it's not looming over me.

After that I will put the LED candles and the chillhop on, or the dance party music. If I'm feeling daring, I will listen to the dance party music in the yard. I will do whatever it takes to be Very Chill today, unless it gets to a point where I need to acknowledge I am not, so as not to contradict the point of being very chill.

Tonight we will watch some comedy or other distractions, or if we're desperate, find the video call table read of a West Wing episode from earlier this year.

If I can manage to not talk myself into a smoking relapse today, or in the next couple days, then I think I've really done it this time, haha.

And then tomorrow, or in the following days, we'll see what is up next.

I'm not praying, or wishing, or hoping. My mind is deliberately as empty as it can be of expectation. For mindset and for magic.

I hope you too can find your very chillness.