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Okay, maybe I don't actually need coffee

26 January 2021
6:25 am

Good morning, Ursula. Good morning! I started out reading some arts & crafts blog piece about the polymer clay I have being kind of crap, because I am in do-everything-at-once mode. Fun, inspiring, momentum, but I have to make sure I don't get overwhelmed and continue to never do anything.

Now that I've quit smoking, I have mutant super-smell. I've been smelling matches for a day and a half. I thought I'd found the source, but now it's back. Phantoms...

Bagel and grapes for breakfast. I think I fucked up my coffee. Too much water? Not hot enough? It tastes stupid. I'm going to make another cup. I like using the aeropress. It is an intentional part of my routine now. I do miss the drip drip of the coffee maker, but I do not miss the constant sizzle of the pot on the plate when I forget to turn it off ever.

I feel sleepy. I did many things yesterday. By which I mean: fold a basket of laundry and make several medical appointments I've been putting off for a long time. That's a big deal in this world. I also looked into desk chairs. I need one that is taller for my desk anyway, but if I had one with wheels, I could scoot around the house to do some tasks. This lower back thing is untenable. UNTENABLE I SAY.

I don't know when I learned the word untenable, but I do know I'm never going to stop using it.

Anyway, I spot vacuumed baseboard dust for less than five minutes and did some minor boot walking (boots are heavier than regular shoes? idk) and my back laughs and laughs... after I have my follow-up regarding the breathing thing tomorrow, I'm going to decide if I should go with her for a general lookee-loo, and from there talk to a back person. I've had physical therapy before, that's fine.. I really DO NOT WANT chiropractory. People can have their opinions on it, but unless someone can tell me, "This specific individual can 100% help you and we can give you a drug that will separate you from yourself during the experience..." I wish not for this thing. Childhood fears run deep, yo.

So, what's left in the meantime is to find that packet of lumbar exercises the physical therapist gave me, maybe do some research today to find some core strengthening exercises, or light yogas. I know the core strengthening is super important. I need to do something. There will be no dancing (or exercise/movement otherwise) if I don't get this straightened out.

And I feel very stupid being like, "Well, I used a mini vacuum for five feet and folded a basket of laundry (to be fair, even though I was sitting, Dan's pants weight like 45 pounds) and now any kind of twisting or bending causes spasms and discomfort for the next day and a half." It makes me feel like I'm not trying hard enough. Push through the pain. If I had a job, I'd have to push through the pain - uh, sorta... I used to miss work because of this shit - and also that is the capitalism talking. Still, I feel like I'm making excuses to just sit still. But really, I don't want that. I have other challenges, I don't want this one putting another barrier against all of the things to DO. There are so many things to DO and many of them include moving around.

Anyway, my hair is pretty and someone in the Twin Cities has the Brazil variant of the virus, which they seem to think the vaccine might be less effective against, so I'm just going to go back to my November suspicions that this won't go as well as we think and we'll be doing this for another year. No one wants to think like that. I don't want to think like that. But goddamn it, when I go back in time and talk to myself, we talk about timelines and knowing how long a transit or phase of life might take, so I think there is some benefit to gearing up for this shit. Better to be prepared and have it not happen.

I was going to say something else about the back pain - I forget what. Something about there being an emotional/mental aspect to it. This has been going on too long for it to be any one thing, but one of my worst episodes was right before I left Florida - the time the chiropractor asked me, after several sessions, "Is this even helping?" Shortly after getting settled, the pain was gone. It's possible this was coincidence. But I have this very distinct memory... during that episode I would sleep anywhere I could get comfortable, and one night it was Elise's outdoor lounger, on her screened in balcony. Floridian March-warm air in the night, and the wind gusting, shaking this palm tree around, its fronds only a few feet above me. Laying there was a very dramatic vision during a time in my life that felt like a movie. In the same set of weeks, I had a dream where a TV character in a jungle threw a knife into my shoulder just below the clavicle. I asked for help getting it out and he said, with important eyes, "I'm sorry. But this is something you need to do yourself."

Big dream energy back then. Maybe there's something dramatic I'm missing. I think not. I think my posture sucks. But there's no harm in considering it. I'll consider anything at this point.

What the fuck else? Make a new cup of coffee to replace this one because it's definitely shit. Look up some back plans. One birthday present was a new bowl for a hanging plant, so I should look into finding another medium-ish light plant for that, unless I just want to get another pothos. Maybe if I start with a new plant I'll have a better idea of whether or not I'm doing it right.

The stupid ass temperature is still below 20, so even if I did want to risk my back going for a walk (I want to try out these shoe attachments for traction), I don't think I'll be warm enough since I can't seem to find simple leggings anymore, the kind I can put under pants. No leggings for fats! At least without shopping online, and I'm annoyed enough that I can't try clothes on in a store, let alone trying to buy clothes online. BULLSHIT, I shout at nothing in particular. Honestly, I might have some leggings somewhere in that giant mountain of clothing, but I'd have to dig into it to find out. And we know how I feel about DOING THINGS.

Anyway, what? Make a new cup of coffee. Pull back the curtains, I suppose. Make sure I've got my 444 words down. Maybe listen to this song on repeat a few times. Shaina Shepherd is also a delight on ig, and if you're into rockity type musics, check out BEARAXE, where she will die you and give you life again. Here's a link to a livestreamed concert from last year. LINK TO CONCERT, I say as though I influence people to do things. Also, holy shit I just had to remember how to write a link. Look at me, using my MEMORY.