rwd fwd
notes diaryland
random! older
current

sorry about that

15 November 2021
11:19 pm

yeah, so... I had a couple of very bad days there. I don't know what happened. I was fine and then suddenly... very not fine. To a degree I hadn't been in a long time. In a way that I was counting days and trying to decide how many hours needed to pass before I called my doctor. Even though I know what would happen: a hearty laugh, an "I told you so," and unexpired trial packs of a drug I've been refusing for two years because I'm afraid of further side effects, still never recovered from some of them, and if I were to be without health insurance, I would be straight fucked on the cost of a newer drug.

Anyway, I managed to put myself to bed two days in a row, and yesterday it was... better. I talked to an old friend for three hours. We used to be very close. Now we are only close when we talk. She caught me up on her crazy family stories while she drove around picking up food for people. Maybe next time I'll talk about what's going on with me. I am happy to talk to her, she seems to be evening out in some ways as she ages... but she sideswiped one piece of information I want nothing to do with. I managed to easily squeeze by it, but... that is never a conversation I want to have, and never not in person.

I got some chore stuff done while we were talking since I had nothing else to do. Then I tried to sit still. That wasn't happening. No focus. Back and forth. Fine. I did manage to sit by myself for a minute, in a room with no sound... and there it was. Low. Still going. Cackling at me. Laughing at me for being afraid of nothing while its hand reaches out of the muck, and I thought for sure I'd stomped that goddamn hand down.

It was a very bad couple of days. I don't know if it's because I stayed up writing for a very long time a few days earlier (even though I'd gotten plenty of sleep in between). I forgot my pills one day? It could be period related? It could be this on going process of complex grief. It's had some odd phases; why not two days of a rapid cycling thing that I think is what they called a mixed episode.

And it made me think: oh, shit, maybe these drugs do something after all. Because I have not had such up and down feelings... in a very long time. Like, I know I've had them since moving here, but this was some legit up and down. Too sad? Listen to some upbeat music. Ohp, upbeat music made you too hype. Bring it back down. Oh, now you're listening to songs that hurt? Seems like a good idea, let's fuckin' go.

I had a dream my phone blew up with notifications about three different new people dying. That's all I'm worried about right now. People suddenly dying. NO ONE DYING FOR AWHILE THANK YOU PLEASE.

When I hit the low swings... it was really bad. I texted a friend - everyone's so tapped out - but I was hoping I would get some.. I don't know. I don't want to call it 'return on investment' because my relationships are not transactional. But goddamn it, I needed some help. And she's at the top of the list of people I can talk to candidly about certain things. Well, she's back in a bad place, so.. this time. In our short text conversation, she'd already said a couple things that were too... ...I remember how cavalier she was with her words this past summer, and those aren't words I need to have in my head right now. So I tapped a singing bowl and sent her a video of it. She called me a goddamn hippie and we moved on from that.

So, yesterday, Elise. Some peaceful productive organizing and distraction and no focus and the muck thing cackling and lurking, so I got on the video phone with one of the other special ones. We talked about the playlist he is making of his favorite new-to-him songs of the year, like he does every year. I watched him fold his laundry, like he does every Sunday. We talked about his unwavering routines of mundane things to keep his brain right. He was doing them seven years ago when we started talking, he does them now. He sat with me and made little flirts with me and we talked about nothing and it's just really nice to have a few people I can do that with. I have some... but they're crippled under the weight of their own shit, so we have to take turns, and I'm never going to just drop all my shit on the floor (even with the intention of cleaning it up). It's that or... people are too busy, too uninterested in negativity, and they try to listen, but they want to fix. And I would love to be "fixed," but in the moment... I'm not trying to fix my life. I'm trying to keep it. I'm trying to keep my head quiet and my body still.

I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't have finally let it out. A week ago I did some sudden screaming in the car. It was cathartic. But once I did it, I cried with my whole body. Then I screamed again and I couldn't stop.

jesus christ i sound like an insane person, no wonder..

It's funny, you know. Cadence talks about how she will never stop dragging Kevin, mostly because it's funny. And that's fine. I let them know when I'm having a day where that's not okay or if they hit a piece of info I think is incorrect.

But it's funny, what Elise said, when I made a (very valid) comment about some shitty results of our relationship. "Well," she said. "Kevin didn't know what he was getting into."

I'd been thinking about that recently. And no... no he really didn't, even though I tried to tell him. But I'm an experience I guess.

WELL this entry is all over the goddamn place, and I'm not counting it for words because every time I update my word count there seems to be 2-3x more words than I expect. I can't account for them, I must be sleep writing.

You know, during those periods of time where I force myself to "stay awake" even though I'm tired, and what I'm really doing is sleeping sitting up at my desk and occasionally punching a key.

Some late nights work... some just scream at you.

Fuck. Man, that wasn't cool. And I really want to say, "I sure am glad that's over," but I'm afraid that's an immediate jinx. I don't have the energy to reverse that.

For real though, get the fuck out of my head with that shit, and don't come back.

Oh, we had our first snow, too... but I can't even be mad about that. It's taken so long.

Still, time to start taking the vitamins again.

Still, maybe I'll finish that entry where I almost directly talk about things.

Still I'll write long entries until I can write shorter ones where I'm not just screaming through my fingers about songs sent to me from a ship so close that we almost got stuck. But we didn't. We kept sailing on in the dark.

But I'm glad we still talk. I'm glad he hasn't died. I'm glad that if he did die, I would know about it.

There's another one - not another one of those, still special but lesser - he could be dead. I should say hi, except those conversations can get hairy.

Oh my god I just remembered the time he told me he loved me and that we should be together and he'd always been waiting for me or some shit, after I saw him on one of my trips to Florida. He's a crazy man. But I don't blame him. a head worth of battlefield clatter will do that.

Anyway, he could be dead. I would never know. He told me he told his brother my email address or phone number or something. I don't know if that's true. We have no other connections. I remember one day we were talking, and then he just stopped. I realized I had no other connection to him, not one. That's what comes from compartmentalization, you bitch. I tried digging on some facebook group I didn't belong in, though he had invited me. I got weird responses and was booted. Six months later, I heard from him, he had been in the hospital or rehab or something to that effect. I'm pretty sure that's what it was.

Anyway, I wouldn't know.

My family's starting to fight. And it's like, what family, how could they even. It's like, "lol."

No one else die. Except for, y'know, this one lady. Let her the hell go and then please no one else.

Except I know another one is coming eventually.

But like, no one else though.

What even is this, it wasn't supposed to be long.