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listen i'm just saying let my heart break if it must break, i'm sick of waiting

17 November 2021
9:12 pm

well, fuck.

i didn't even do anything wrong this time.

i haven't done any writing today.

i was starting to get used to lower temperatures, but today has been so windy... i'm sitting at the desk and it keeps sounding like someone's at the door, or outside the window, or climbing through the walls.

the shadowsmen are back. these aren't troublemen. they don't give me a fright. but they still flit around, darting past the corners of my eyes and any reflective surface. and today there was music that sounded... what's the word. it's happened before. it's not right. like an instrument is tuned badly, or like it's coming through cheap computer speakers.

shh, let's just keep this all between us. me & me & me.


surely dan will no doubt walk in on me at any moment, wanting to know why i am listening to songs:ohia and typing with my head on the desk. the thought was that if i am wailing to music i will have to sit up with some kind of posture for proper wailing.

instead, i'm mumbling at the floor. that, he won't ask about. seems normal. but if i show him my face... i'm gonna get asked why i'm trying to make it worse. he would never use those words. but that's what i would say if it were me.

but it isn't and he isn't here.

so i'm doing it anyway.


please, don't let this be an actual phase. it would be unpredictable.
please, just let it be from reducing nicotine for my next attempt.
please, don't let me go into winter this way.


saved by the door? no, he went to a different room.
i didn't say hello.


it's not fair. i got sleep, i took my pills.
i wake up not feeling well, but i forced myself to eat things throughout the day.

it's not fair that i should be sitting here considering picking fights with anyone i perceive as not supporting me the way i do them
so like, two or four people, which is like, most of them, but also i know that's false.. sorta
i just have to not depend on them anymore. i haven't been. it's not fair

it's not fair that i should be wondering if it's better to keep your neck stiff or loose if you're going to try to dent the drywall
that's not even a thing i would do, so it's stupid to even think about

again here's another entry that was supposed to be like two lines
and for what
sometimes i wish i'd learned to be properly angsty for my age group
it would be a lot fucking faster than looking up all this sharp music

jesus christ why don't i ever say a happy thing here
those other days were kinda scary and man, i was just feeling better, man, you know
and now here the fuck we are again, just a few clicks from kokomo
and we NEVeR say kokomo

fuck, sorry future sara, i know you just like clicking the random link