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still... pretty good here

04 February 2022
11:30 am

It's good still. We're good. We're staying good. Even after this morning, we're staying good. Even though I have to keep increasing the magnification on every website, and limit how long I look at the screen and avoid any scrolling, we're staying good. I probably shouldn't be typing this, but I noticed that the eye movement of paper writing bothered me a bit yesterday, and at least with typing I can look away from the screen.

Dan just put on the record that just came in the mail. If I'm trying to write at the same time, that means sudden input while I'm doing output. I basically just shorted out, and it's only Gershwin. I'm kind of adjusting now, but...

it's okay, we are a-okay!

Oh, a bunch of brass. Maybe we aren't.

I don't know why I keep thinking I should try to drive. Tuesday I went half an hour out - by streets, not by highways - looking for some books. It was a stupid time of day to go. By the time I got to the second stop, I could barely see. It was a bright day and the sun was at the height where it sings that it's about to go down. If I were to go in and out like I'd intended, I'd be driving into the sunset. I knew that was an impossible task, so I huffed around the comics/gaming emporium, occasionally stopping to peel off another layer of clothing, or pile my hair higher on my head. I was getting frustrated. They didn't have the books I was looking for, or even a combination of bigger collections and single issues without gaps. That would have been a stupid way to pay for them anyway. There's another set that I don't want to make a financial commitment to but they didn't have any of those either.

Steam started to reach my ears like a goddamn cartoon. I saw my name on an endcap - a Garth Ennis book about a WWII Soviet sniper. That was hard to ignore. It was dusk then, so I grabbed the book and some miniatures of hags and left. Well, I paid for them first.

Driving home was an adventure. Streets are slower, I don't have to whip my head back and forth... but they're narrower, the headlights coming at me are closer, and there are more visual distractions. I had to keep looking away from what was in front of me. I shouted and sang nonsense to cope and

I can't tell this story anymore, i have to close my eyes or be flat or whatever
I went to a library for the first time in an age but I can only kin of read a book
I clicked too many things on Wednesday and truly fucked up my focus and stability
Ive been trying to aintain a good sleep thing so I got some melatonin so I'm not taking klonopin and bendadryl to make sure I'm sleeping but apprently there is a such a thing as too much melatonin
and the kind of fucked up dream where you wake up calmly and think, "yes, I am right, I do need therapy"
these days I have no idea how I ever handled being drunk
it's a small wonder that we're no on two months and I haven't googled these symptoms
but I think it's just because I'm really kind of scared

so I guess I'm going to make this oatmeal and maybe take a vitamin and lay in the dark as flat as possible and do... something that doesn't involve my eyes being open