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Phew

01 April 2022
11:41 am

I don't remember now what I was going to write when I arrived to an inaccessible diaryland. I knew it was probably a simple thing that would be fixed after a couple days or so. But I was already tense, and with the inability to pay bolstering my long-time concerns that this will one day disappear... I miiight have lost my mind a little. I like impermanence in theory, but it is not my way. 22 years of writing - gone. Where would I go? There's nowhere left. This small community who affect me more than they probably know - gone, lost, become another set of internet ghosts.

A very small part of me wondered what the release would feel like.

I shook with unwarranted pre-grief, because I am always grieving. Dan tried to ascertain which parts were most upsetting. Was it the space? The existing writing? The people? I didn't understand his questions. What do you mean? I cried. All of it.

Smoking cessation is stressful.

I woke up the next morning, checked the site, buried my head in a pillow. When he brought me coffee, he said, "So far I've archived up to 2003, and the next batch is going."

I blinked several times in confusion, as one would in a lazily written story.

I forgot I'd given him the link when we started dating. For some reason my browsers weren't letting me past the security warning, but his were. He found a macro program to do the copypasting.

So I wouldn't have to go through the tedium and slow emotional torture of doing it myself. So I wouldn't have to ever fret about it again. He wasn't asking those questions to help me sort my feelings. He was looking for which parts he could fix.

And while writing those last sentences, he came in with "for no reason" flowers. It's my Big Move anniversary (14 years, how), but it's not that. After a bunch of productivity, I've been sad again. It could be that. It could just be love.

When he brought them in, I quiet-shouted, "What! WHY?"

He said, "I don't understand the question."

Anyway, it took an entire day, but now I have 9 document files. I only glanced at one - it was 176 pages long. I don't know why I need this, but I do. Now I have it, and I don't have to worry about it.

I remember now what I was going to say before. I saw something about Taylor Swift getting an honorary degree from NYU. That's great and all, but I think it would be real nice if she refused it and instead stood as proof that one could be wildly successful without it. But they can't all be Dolly Partons.

Maybe next time I'll finish writing this thing about houses. Or finish my tarot deck retrospective.

Or something new.