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in the garden, there's a flower

19 September 2022
12:22 pm

so I've got the big nice house, it's as unpacked as can be, I painted my own room purple like my high school bedroom.

we got secret married on Saturday, so that's been accomplished. I'm almost 40.

I'm safe, I don't have to worry about money...

I have all this time...

to quote a small robot:

"What is my purpose?"
"You pass butter."
"Oh, god..."

I'm having a mini crisis I wouldn't call a crisis, but it's something. A lot of things have led me here and now I'm here and now what?

I put this at Des last night, now that we're conversating frequently again.

"So, you're asking what to do with your life."
"Yeah, I guess."
"This isn't new! This is your whole life!"

She isn't wrong and that's an important facet to keep in mind: this isn't new. It's a frustrating thing, and part of what frustrates me still. Always. But it isn't new, it's not a consequence of acquiring all these wonderful life things. That's why I don't want to call it a crisis.

But it did hit me yesterday while I was wandering the house reminding myself I'm married now.

What is the work? How do I do it?

Where are all the ideas?

That's what I'm missing. I can work on focusing, I can work on putting the time in - I do little things here and there, I'm on a 51 day streak of writing at least 444 words (let's say "typing" and not "writing"), and the reminder that things have been unexpectedly chaotic this year - but committing to ideas is difficult, and when it comes to specific creative things like writing or drawing or music... those need ideas.

November comes and I have a sunroom and I will get through winter and this is all grand. But the activities, my darlings. The work. What is it? Where is it?