so I've got the big nice house, it's as unpacked as can be, I painted my own room purple like my high school bedroom.
we got secret married on Saturday, so that's been accomplished. I'm almost 40.
I'm safe, I don't have to worry about money...
I have all this time...
to quote a small robot:
"What is my purpose?"
I'm having a mini crisis I wouldn't call a crisis, but it's something. A lot of things have led me here and now I'm here and now what?
I put this at Des last night, now that we're conversating frequently again.
"So, you're asking what to do with your life."
She isn't wrong and that's an important facet to keep in mind: this isn't new. It's a frustrating thing, and part of what frustrates me still. Always. But it isn't new, it's not a consequence of acquiring all these wonderful life things. That's why I don't want to call it a crisis.
But it did hit me yesterday while I was wandering the house reminding myself I'm married now.
What is the work? How do I do it?
Where are all the ideas?
That's what I'm missing. I can work on focusing, I can work on putting the time in - I do little things here and there, I'm on a 51 day streak of writing at least 444 words (let's say "typing" and not "writing"), and the reminder that things have been unexpectedly chaotic this year - but committing to ideas is difficult, and when it comes to specific creative things like writing or drawing or music... those need ideas.
November comes and I have a sunroom and I will get through winter and this is all grand. But the activities, my darlings. The work. What is it? Where is it?