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fallen comrades.

05 December 2000
6:56pm

Despite modern sentiments, there are still some high school aged children with seemingly strong convictions in certain areas. I know a few of these kids. The thing is, there are some to which it seems natural for them to STICK to them. Forever. To not let life get you down. Let's take something I heard today, for example. I have this friend, who lately, has been rather absent in my life, but starting next month will probably become more prominent (if we have both not changed too drastically, that is). We'll call this friend "Izzy". As long as I have known Izzy (freshman year), she has always had this one conviction that I assumed she would keep with. She'd talk, but I always figured she'd never actually do anything about it.

I guess I should give you a little basic background about Izzy. Her parents are completely overbearing and overprotective, mainly derived from their extreme religious zealousness. I am not exaggerating. I won't go into detail, but I've always felt terrible for her and said that if she ever seriously wanted to leave, she could come to my house. There are other circumstances surrounding that offer, but for the sake of her relative privacy (even though I've changed her name) I'll choose not to divulge that information. Anyhow. My theory with Izzy has always been: in an effort to strain away from her parents' hold, she'd end up going too far, you know? And I've watched her struggle with that, and come close, and offered my hand and all that terrific "friend-to-the-end-though-we-don't-see-each-other-much" sentiment (which I have always meant sincerely, as much as I am making it seem cheap now).

So, there's your "basic background". Anyway, this strong conviction I always assumed Izzy would stick to: sex before marriage. We'd had countless conversations about it, which always resulted in her saying not a drop before marriage. It was always something she was slightly conflicted about, though. Who wouldn't be, with parents like that, looking for a way to break free. And it's also all that hormonal-teenager stuff. I have my own views on sex. I don't feel like getting into it now. But my views, coupled with my conversations with her... I never really expected Izzy to wait that long. In my mind, I saw her falling in love with some guy, and him being wonderful toward her, because that, like so many other girls, is what she absolutely DESERVED. And I saw the happy couple, and they were pleasant, and when they finally gave themselves to each other after a period of time, it would be beautiful and something she wouldn't cringe looking on years from now. And if that's the way it was, I wouldn't have felt like she had dropped all she had believed in.

Of course though, as all fairy tales must end, that is not how it happened. At all.

In the beginning of the year, Izzy still seemed pretty ironed out, straight down her slightly curved path. Something changed between August and December. Goddamn drama whores. (Hey... aren't you in drama? Shutup loser, I wasn't talking to you.)

Anyhow. Forget the candles and silk sheets and soft music (Let me just say that these aren't exactly neccessary physically. They are metaphysical, emotional, figurative candles, silk sheets, and soft music. Heh.)

So. Izzy went out last Sunday and had a fuck. Some guy, who's girlfriend is one of her friends. She told her parents she was going shopping. He couldn't come get her until 5, and she told her dad they were going to the mall, which closes at 6. "Bad planning," her dad said. I'll say.

She told me this morning before school started. I was, to say the least, shocked. At that point, it was because the whole universe suddenly did a 360. Later, the shock just grew. Not only had Izzy just gone out and fucked some guy (which they didn't actually finish, she assured me), she was fucking stupid about it. But they didn't finish. So it was okay. *scoff*

HAS THIS WHOLE WORLD GONE MAD?

Do I have a right to be this upset? I think I do. Innocense lost, Izzy's "fall from grace" or whatever the fuck you want to call it. I hope she got what she wanted. And I hope to god she's not pregnant. And I hope she doesn't continue this, because... I don't know the guy personally, but from his current track record, he doesn't sound like too much of a quality guy. And I hope when she's older she'll tell her children about mad decisions made in her younger days so they don't have to go crazy when they're seniors in high school and throw it all away. I hope she doesn't, years from now, spend nights drinking the memory of this away.

Don't get me wrong with this. I will never ever look differently at Izzy, or think her less of a person. I just really really wish she had waited. Or chosen a better time and person and situation. Or been a little more fucking careful.

Part of me thinks that maybe I've displaced some repressed feelings about myself on to Izzy. But I think about that more and realize that can't possibly be true. For one, the only conviction I ever had regarding sex was that it be with someone I love. And it was. And I know that I will forever look back on that moment (and the many afterwards) without a bitter taste, and always with a smile and a little shiver. There were no physical candles or silk sheets. But in my mind, they were there. And they always will be. I know that for a fact, without comparison.

But that's another story.

And to completely digress on 117 levels, I LOVE this new radio station. They're currently playing "Cherub Rock" by the Smashing Pumpkins. I might just wet myself.