..and I've been up on and off since 10 but rain was falling and what is there better to do when it is raining but sleep? Nothing more comforting, nothing more peaceful, waking up every hour and a half to make sure that it's not too close to five. And although my fourteen hours of sleep was entirely voluntary and quite possibly the best sleep I have had since a Thursday, I'd had intentions of going out and seeking alternate/additional employment today.

I love Tiffanys. I don't want to stop working there. I love the people who work there. Even Mary in all her Red Queen glory. She may drive me three ways up a wall and I may have fantasies of her yelling at me for the last time and I'll yell back and wave my arms and put my hands on my hips and my head will be rolling around on my neck as if Jerry Springer's audience were just outside the window and then I will turn on my dirty heel and walk straight out the door with some amazingly sensical tagline as the wind rushes in behind me. BUT. I can sit there when we have not a thing to do and listen to her talk for an hour and a half. As soon as I walk in the door, suspension of disbelief is engaged and my reading glasses go on. Tiffany's is a book, and in that respect I am enamored with it.

What I am not enamored with is walking out that door with twenty dollars in my pocket.

Especially not with:

-seventyfive dollars on July 15th.
-seventyfive dollars on August 15th.
Sonic Youth in New Orleans, August 2nd - 5th.
I'm getting my mother's hotass red Camaro next Thursday till next Monday. Hello gaspump, didn't I just see you? heh. And it really tempts me to take Saturday off. But I need the money.

I went to Walmart. I saw flatware and Yaffa blocks, desklamps and irons with pink transparent inlays, fake plants and throw pillows.
Because I will be in New Orleans for a week, and Tiffany's closes for two weeks at the end of August, I will only be working one week in August.

Not only must I have all these things, I must have a place to put them.

These all add up to a lot of money I a) don't have b) won't make until November.

So, Tiffany's may as well represent that "Oh.. I really like him. But. I don't want to let go. But I'm kinda looking into other options. I don't know."

Fuck that.

But today while I was sleeping I was supposed to be out seeking this other employment. Now it will just have to wait. Again.

Something indeed confirmed is that I have had no willpower. I'm too attached to the renegade feeling of doing what I'm not supposed to.

But you cannot start a diet with chocolate cake.

I'm to stop rewarding myself before I even do anything.

Last night, I had a dream I was at a wedding. It was a lovely wedding, except it was ten minutes away from annihilation and there were evil things a foot.. but everyone was calm because apparently this is the way things are supposed to be.

that was the way it's supposed to be.

this is the way things are to be.

that was the way things were supposed to be.

..but everyone was calm because that was the way things were supposed to be.

...

the way things are.

--but everyone was calm because apparently this is how things were supposed to be. I was there with someone who had Nick's smile and the hair of the boy on that terrible Dog Eat Dog show last night (how much is YOUR dignity worth?). And one point Nick With Different Hair/Imaginary Dream Boy has his hand on my head, we were standing together, and he told me.

"You smell nice."

I can't explain the feeling I had during the dream probably caused by gallons of water throwing themselves at my window and the fact that it was around nine in the morning.

But those three words alone. I'm actually trying now. Because isn't that just as thrilling and unexpected. And don't you know that I've actually had something to push against this time? And I'm winning, so far. Rawwwr.

But like when I start--

"Sara. Did you pick up table 83 yet?"

"Oh. No, I'll get right on that."