indeed. i am home.

and it's all good. i could give you all the explanation in the world and it wouldn't make any sense, i can assure you of that.

sure, yeah, sometimes i do wish that i had enough dedication to update this on such a regular basis- so much so that i would be able to go back and read and know how i felt at any instance in my life.

but if there's anything i learned in the time that this whole thing went down... it's that it doesn't make sense.

and hell, maybe when i'm out of whateverkinda funk i'm in, it may not make nearly as much sense.

and i'd look back and read it and just beat myself up for being so dumb.

and i'd rather not put myself through that kind of torture.

hah.

my brother taught me about football today. mainly that if the team he doesn't want to win loses, i owe him ten dollars. if the team he doesn't want to win wins, he might owe me ten dollars. maybe. if i'm lucky. and that's really all that matters, you can learn pretty quickly after that and soon find yourself going "ooh!" and pointing and laughing and acting pretty strangly. cause yknow. that's money that doesn't exactly exist that you might get there. or lose. so. it's important.

just like cleaning my godforsaken room. i will soon be embarking on the 17 hour cleaning marathon which isn't really an exact time representation because i came up with it awhile ago and have been just sitting on my ass since then. a website will be created on one of my three hour breaks. soyknow. so that you'd be able to see me on the street, point at me, call me a dork freely and without inhibition. i'm just workin' for the people.

the night i gutted my closet i intended on staying home and cleaning my room. despite the temptations of the devil right outside my window prancing around like a goddamn girly girl. but his will is strong, and mine is weak. so i ended up at a party across towns. few people there but some i'd known for years, some i'd met just then. i just wanted to clean my room.

i got home at 4pm the next day with a call to mark to return. he and des were in town for becca's birthday dinner at hops and were hang out with me because i'm special like that. des hung out with me while mark went to buy becca a card. i had to make one because i am an unemployed uneducated slob (mom: this is your cue to ask me if i've got a job yet.. you're slacking off, woman). in addition to my trademark Long Rambling Card Message That Comes Straight From My Heart Even When It Doesn't Make Sense (copyright pending), i employed my idea for my breakthrough into the greeting card business.

front: I thought of you today...

inside: while i was in bed with someone else!

not exactly birthday material or true, i thought it was a clever little bit of card goodness that she would appreciate. and i think she did. though i'm really not sure.

the whole night was awkward.. at least for me. i knew only a portion of the people who were there, and most of the people i knew were from vague isolated meeting. so it was strange. and becca seemed.. i dunno. distant. maybe because it was of all the different people or maybe it was because i left her company.. sean sort of seems the same way. there.. but not. maybe they resent my decision. i don't know. i can't lie.. i miss them, but this is going to work, i think. i'm already happier here, i think. even though i haven't really been here long. it will take a some more time before i'm sure.

after becca's party we stopped by danielle and carmel's house. phoebe was there, so we sat and talked for awhile. danielle & carmel are just such cool people. i guess if anyone were to come close to trout, it would be those two. and that says a lot.

i found something that he wrote me a long time ago. a christmas card that consisted of a photocopy of his middle finger raised with scratchy trout writing around it. embarassed myself in front of des... apparently you never get over things like that. i know he was probably laughing his ass of at me. heh.

mark went to sleep like a bum and des and i stayed up to watch the meteor shower. the sky was a lot clearer than two years ago when jason and sean and i walked to lake st george and layed on the basketball courts, so we were able to see a lot. but watching it made me start thinking about space and existance and really wild things so i had to go inside because confusion and frustration with thought like that could very well cause a stroke.

now that i've wasted plenty of time...

T-MINUS 15 hours 30 minutes left in the 17 hour room cleaning marathon!

i'm sure i'll be back in a half an hour.