it's great to have a song to make me cry but when yesterday still has me in its grip like a feather drifting through the air. where it'll land is inconsequential when it comes to the dainty indecision it drifts back and forth with. and placement of vocabulary words from way back mean nothing when wishing to all high hopes the day i die i find the afterlife to be soundwaves and i mean it when i say this song would be the one to end it. and when it's over press repeat and start again. when it's over, start again. when it's over, start again. every day i die for lack of better to do. because songs like that, with moods like this i stand in front of the one working speaker with the volume at 20 and by the time the vocals slide in, reality has swept away all the unneccessary edges and everything is concentrated into this song. i stand there, so completely involved in listening that my heartbeat is a metronome. click in, click out and begin the ascent, falling deeper and dropping before i've even realised it. cause when you're blind to everything else, the music's there, it's all that's there and i'm so positive. so sure that as soon as it's over, so am i.

silence is water from the faucet on a hot frying pan. dive right back in for more, cause i didn't get enough the first time.

this time i went back and changed some of the words and made it internal instead of external. i not you.

it's different.

september20013:36pm

saturday had it's moments. chris, marty and i were on 1040 am radio, on the inside joke show to promote our dear improv troupe.

our.

yeah. i've finally started to feel more like a charming hooligan than an audience member. but when you see yourself on all the flyers and someone asks you for your autograph after the show (to which i wrote, "matt. i am not as special as you think." hah.) and you're in the show every week and then you're on the radio and you don't say much but you come home and your brother says, "oh, no, but you said something REALLY funny," and he's been to the shows and the one last week wasn't that great but he wants to go again anyway, and you hear that everyone and their brother was listening to the radio thanks to your dad. it's a little overwhelming, but exciting at the same time. exciting to be a part of something i watched for three years (and i'll admit, i secretly always wanted to do, otherwise i wouldn't have ever gotten on stage), exciting to be doing comedy, something i would have never thought for myself. it's tough. but i love it.

saturday night, my aunt and uncle got remarried on the beach, and thus was the bringer of the bad mood. not the wedding itself, it was lovely and adorable and i cried and blah blah blah. and for fear of the bad mood coming back, i won't delve into it. but the family just isn't the same, or maybe it was a bad day, but i have never felt so out of place among the people i grew up with.

but! since i am not in that mood anymore and the day has rolled over i'll finish this up and start again. start again start again.