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stark realizations at quarter to four in the morning

31 July 2001
3:44 am

i was hoping my next entry would be the piece i am currently working on, but it is becoming more and more apparent that i am stuck. hard. and it could be a while. which is awful because it's short and wasn't meant to be anything but a two cent comment at it's inception.

i have come to the stark realisation that all my efforts to become whatever person i was trying to be have veered sharply in the wrong direction. basically, i find myself, on the morning before the eighth month of 2001 (where the fuck did the year go?), sitting on my floor, a pile of shit with eyes and a mouth. and all you who tell me i am beautiful and strong and whatever else are only feeding the monster (except for sean because he's always right. ;D). so many aspects of myself and my life need to change, and i can only hope that i AM strong.. enough at least to pull myself up and out and back the fuck where i was before. i hope i haven't given up. i feel like i have, and with out my authorization. how did this happen? how did i get here? how did my little brother get to be so right all the time?

obviously, i've been cleaning my room again.

and oddly enough, i'm moving to orlando on the 15/16th. of august. just over two weeks from now. TWO WEEKS. i fear change. and in two weeks, my life will be nothing but pennies and dimes.

if only i could learn to breathe underwater.

on the brigher side, i found something that always made me laugh.

"i wrote twice last night. that's like three weeks of uninterrupted sex with NO NAP. it just doesn't happen." - dan.