Oh, I don't need to tell you that I was up all night again. My sleeping patterns are simply horrid. I can say nothing else. I'm wondering if it's pyschological, or if I've just fallen into nocturnality for the cause of the summer. All I know is that it will be so much fun when school starts again! Note the sarcasm. I don't know. I'm looking forward to school, to getting my mind of various things, to having productive things to do. But I am most certainly not looking forward to having to take a couple classes over. Thank god that they are both only halves of classes, meaning nine weeks each, and they are the only math and science I'm taking. I will need neither for whatever major I decide on in college, and I've got at least my required sciences and maths to graduate, so I am DONE with them and leaving my senior year to more favoured scholarly pursuits. But I don't want to talk about school. Let's talk about something more pleasureable.

    I'm thinking of a lovely redesigning project.. though I won't be able to do it until I take a shower, and finish up the mes font page, which needed to be redone. I said I would, so I shall. Plus, my design for it isn't horrible. I'm rather fond of it. I hope everyone else is as well. I have to finish moving Steph's page.. and I was supposed to do one for Becca. But I have so very little from her, and there's not really much I can do with it. Like I said yesterday, I've hardly seen her, and she's leaving to go to Canada with Matt... I don't know when. But she's coming back something like the 21 or the 22 or something. A day or two before school starts. There's talk of that nasty stuff again. Subject change!

    I really should call Tara today. It's already.. what's today.. Wednesday? It's Wednesday already? Shit, man. Hm. I would have liked very much for her to come and stay the night at my house on Friday.. my mom should even be here, so her parents should not have one solitary problem with it. I'm always afraid to call Tara though, because I think that she'll be at work, and it's just silly for me to call her if she's going to be at work, because I won't be able to talk to her. Because she's at work. But I don't know for a fact that she's there. Look, I don't ask why my mind works the way that it does, you shouldn't either. :) I should really CLEAN my room today, as well. I've been aching to do it, and I've even enlisted the help of my mother. I would like to minimize it, and she is a genius at that. But I need to get rid of stuff, or find boxes for it and push it away, or something. I would like to decorate my room, and have it be fairly maintainable when school starts back up and I get busy and... *shudder* get another job. I will. And I wish my parents would back off me about it as well. A job will come my way, or I will go out and search for it... but not until I am ready. And it's not like I'm begging either of them for money every five minutes, so I don't see what the big deal is! I know I'm going to have expenses this year and I have things I want now, but I know this! And I'm not whining about the things that I want that I don't have (except for a car, but I'm not serious about that). I know how expensive my upcoming life is going to become. I am prepared for the shock of that. I will get a job. *screams into a pillow* Argh.

   I just realised that I tilt my head at a 45 degree angle to either side when I am writing a journal entry. It's oddly comfortable. I have weird writing habits. In my creative writing class at the beginning of the year, I would write with my right hand, and have my left arm slung either on top of my head, or resting behind it. I didn't even realise I was doing it until people looked at me funny and asked me what the hell I was doing. Now there's another class I should have taken. Ooh, time to switch sides. *rotates head*

   I was reading the archives of a journal today, and she was talking about how she had an abortion a few years ago. She was 16 and incapable of raising a child in many aspects of her life. I wonder what I would do in that situation. I think I would probably do the same thing. I wonder what Sean would think. I wonder if he would say that it was my decision and keep his thoughts quiet, even if they were different from mine. I wonder if he would feel the same way. I wonder if he would adamantly feel different. I can't imagine being pregnant at this age. I can't imagine how Chrissy's sister had a child so young, even though she was 19, even though it was planned. I think I'd feel like I was missing something. I think I'd fear that I'd grow to resent my child later, even if it was planned... I'd fear that later on in my life I might regret it. But that's me. And that's not my thing. I don't know why I'm even thinking about this. I don't need to think about this. That's what these are for. *pats pillbox* I'm a responsible teenager with a healthy, responsible, adult sexlife. God, that sounds weird. 50 years ago, it would have been unheard of, you know? But... I'm good. We're safe, we're responsible. Even when I forget to take a pill or something, I jump right on it, and follow protocol and whatever. I'm not bad. I'm not going to hell for having sex before I'm married. Do I even believe in hell? I wonder what some of my friends think about my choice to have sex before marriage. I wonder what some of my friends would think of me if I had an abortion. I wonder what some of my friends would think if they knew I was thinking about this. Why I am I thinking about this? Where is this all coming from? Am I thinking about it because it needs thinking, or because I'm rambling because it's 7:49am, I've been drinking Mountain Dew and reading fairy tales all night except for the time I tried to sleep? Would I be different if I had been brought up religious? Would I be different if we went to church, even if only on holidays? Would I want that? Would I have come to the same beliefs that I have now? What are my beliefs? Do I even have any concrete, solid beliefs? Or ideas? Do I belive that a God exists? Am I a fatalist? Is the Bible a brilliant work of fiction, or God's divine word? Are TV evangalists right, or am I right to believe that religious works should be open to interpretation of the time and situation? Why are "Jonah and the Whale" and "The Ten Plagues of Egypt" counted as "stories" in this book? Weren't they supposedly truth? I suppose it could be a story and truth. Is anybody really reading this nonsense? Have I gone insane? Are you all products of my imagination? Is my name really Sara? Is this really Mountain Dew? Is God smiling down on me, or is that just a flame ridden star rising above the horizon? Verizon. Horizon. Diagnizon. Sarizon.

    Where are these gifts that we were promised?

    I found a feather in my hair today. It was a nice bit of beautiful.