I have made a decision (and oh look how decisive that was no I think I believe I might have something like... things I need to stop).

I've made a decision after just waking up from a particularly stressful dream.

I'd gone back to school. Surprise, I was unprepared. In a class and the teacher was explaining something and not only didn't I have a clue to what she was talking about, but I happened to glance over and see my name under a list that had a three word title.. Reversed Recess something. Reversed was a different word.. started with the letter I.. and it bugs me more because I'd like to know if I made it up or if it was real. Basic premise, I owe UCF eight hundred dollars for not canceling on my second semester housing (this is what happens when you pick up your things abruptly in the middle of the week and escape in your mother's car stuffed to the T-tops, taking off with great hope great fear excited expectations and repentant sadness great fear and great hope)

I owe UCF money. I assumed this list meant that I would have no place to live, but if I did, I'd be living in A-24. I got up to ask the professor who I should go see to take care of the situation. She'd no clue what I was talking about. I picked up the newspaperlike bundle of papers.. and it wasn't there I stood there shifting papers back and forth rustling and puzzled in front of a small classroom. She encouraged me to go in the other room to look for it. There I continued and Dan was around to help, but the slippery thing would not be found.

And as dreams often do, it began to fragment and kind of like a train barrelling down it's tracks at a normal speed happy and chugachugalugging along. Until a little green gremlin with pointy ears and yellow eyes comes along and takes hold of the controls and the wheels turn faster heading straight for the bridge that does not exist ahead where the tracks hang limply leading straight into the ravine below. And when the passengers realise what is going on ohno it is too late the wheels are too fast the bridge too close and despite the efforts of the young supercop who just happened to be on the train in pure Hollywood fashion, the gremlin is already gone but don't you know his grandfather (and if his grandfather wasn't killed by that gremlin, I'll be damned) was a train conductor and taught young supercop the basics of conducting a train "in case of a gallderned emergency". Screeching and sparks and then just nothing because Jami called to say she was just outside waiting with my guitar and miniamp in tow (to which I need to find or buy a cable if the possibility I threw the working one away increases).

Quite plainly, I don't remember the rest of the dream, only that it involved the school and my running around it and being quite stressed.

I'm not in school. I graduated over a year ago now and I left UCF in November. And though I have shown little signs of wanting to return, let alone opening any of the mail I recieve from them (truthfully, I don't read any of my mail. Unless it is unfamiliar looking or written by a person. I got tired of seeing credit audit after bill summary after overdue late you haven't paid this gimme money you don't have NOW!)

I have shown little signs of wanting to return, but the thought is always there. In the back in the front on the side. When I went and visited the bookstore last month it was actually because I'd intended on walking over to the registration office and changed my mind as soon as I saw the door. There is a desire for a higher education. All is not lost.

But the decision I have made. I am going stop thinking about going back. Obviously I am not enrolling somewhere in the fall. I've not the desire the time nor do I have the money. In August, I went because there was a sense of what I 'should' do. That I should at least try. Instilled by tradition and society and school and friends and MTV and modern corporate America. Not to say it wasn't a beneficial experience. I don't think I don't want to be there. I know. Sometimes when you know things you forget to think about them you forget they exist.

..a little spot where young men and young women go to experience their first little taste of the nightlife. Me? Well.. I've never been there. Well, perhaps once.. but I.. was so engulfed in the whole E I never made it to the door.

Now don't be so sure I've abandoned all thought of paying for a greater public education and moving on to raise the glass ceiling above nine to five jobs so I can say I have lots of zeros behind numbers on computer screens in favor of eternal waitressing never to learn another algorithm essay form walking the streets of New Orleans with my little basket.

But I am nineteen years old and I have never seen snow. I am never going to be employed in a field where algebraic equations are something I'll need to know. And if that's what I want to know about, there is an Algebra 2 textbook sitting under a neat stack in my bookcase. I can sit at my desk with a freshly sharpened pencil and a few stray sheets of light blue and pink lines on white paper open to the first page of exercises and dig in, my fake glasses firmly planted on my nose to exude the extreme concentration required for such math things. Not that I'll ever admit to doing it.

My mind is constantly orbiting around several central things and this is one less element required. No more consternation towards conversations that naturally develop as "Hi how are you how's life where are you working what are you doing Are You Going To School In The Fall? Why don't you know what you're doing where you're going?"

And instead of mumbling excuses and explanations that don't connect I can say No. Not until I feel like it.

I don't recall ever graduating at all. Sometimes I feel I'm just a disappointment to ya'll. Every day I just lay around and I can't be found always askin' give me some, living life like a bum ... I admit. I've done some dumb shit. And I'm probably gonna do some more, you shouldn't hold that against me though. Why not? My music's all that I got, but some time must be ingested for this to be manifested ... You need to get up. Get out. Cut that bullshit out. Ain't you sick and tired of having to do without? Man, what up with all these questions, you act as though you know something I don't, do you have any suggestions? ... I'll continue travelling this route without any doubt or fear. I know the Lord ain't brought me this far so he can drop me off here, did I make myself clear?

You and I got to do for you and I.

Hmph. That felt good.

On an entirely unrelated note, a short holiday will be taken August second through the fifth. Hello once again, New Orleans.