today wasn't supposed to be like it was.

i was going over old entries early in the morning when i couldn't sleep. disappointed because i never write like i should, but excited at the prospect of the coming fall and the resulting long sleeves i would wear.

i told dan i was afraid to say things seemed to be getting better. generally, as soon as i acknowledge it, it disappears. but i had a feeling it'd be allright.

a few minutes later, i broke my mirror. yeah, another one.

later, at the theater, i broke a hanger. a simple thing, but i still feel guilty about eating my mother's nutrigrain bar years ago.

i let out the cat that wasn't supposed to get out.

and i did a terrible thing today. i feel awful about and was told to let it go. because even if i cared to do something about it now, it is fairly impossible. and it's not that i didn't think myself capable, it's that i thought myself of better morality despite my mistakes.

i can dream about the intentions of the holy and maybe my part in something i have no control over but it doesn't mean it's not a chain and guilt still bleeds through- cause when i panic i run like watercolors.