my heart is beating so fast i can't breathe anything not oxygen not blood just pump pump pump pump pump bump bump bump pump tick tock tick tock tick tock.

i wanted to smoke a cigarette (i didn't want the thing i wanted the action) but i didn't want to break. and i didn't want the dirty feeling i didn't want the drab brown and filthy yellow. so instead i opted for jogging. walking, or whathaveyou. because what else is there on night like these but blood circulation. because darlene was talking about it and all day it was in the back, dancing in front of a mirror, trying itself out. because gatorade says that sweat is electric bluuue and greeen and we all love that fiesty red just beneath the skin, flushing the arms the legs and the clammy feet.

the air outside is thick hot and heavy and thankfully i resisted the near irrestible urge to wear the skirt i wanted to.. not only would my inner thighs have screamed countless obscenties at me, but i would have ended up traisping around on lawns and getting hassled because of cranky old grandmothers (who just happen to be awake at quarter to one in the morning) is not my idea of a good time.

i took a few casual steps and my feet were off on their own, pounding down the pavement. i wasn't going anywhere-- all desire laid on the otherside of a distance unallowing for such things as footpower. i just wanted to move.

it wasn't long before my slow jog had decreased to a fastpace walk but i kept going. i kept going even though i looked behind me and not only saw how far i'd have to go back (because getting there is never the problem, it's always the return) but the hill i'd have to deal with as well. i kept going till the shadows in the trees had enough of me (or it was the other way around).

i started walking back towards the distance i'd put between my air conditioner and i and i thought. that hill. that hill will be no fun. but if i can just get enough momentum enough forward motion..

so i didn't walk, i didn't jog, i ran. down the hill i was on and towards the hill i was facing (though this is never quite accurate because this florida, she is a flat land)

i could feel the. pressure? i dont' know what it was. movement. if there is such a feeling and it is the one i am thinking of. i could feel it as it pushed me and when i reached almost level ground i felt it take it's hand away and let me go like a child with training wheels but soon the ground caught hold and i started to pull back causing me to lose track of my careful breathing but i wouldn't stop, i'd keep going if i died of massive heart failure and meanwhile my calves felt like 2 x 4's.

but now i've sat and calmed my heart and rehydrated myself and that short burst of energy has worn me down like a pencil eraser that scratches and smears instead of doing it's job.

yes. exactly like that.