i honestly do not know what to say here anymore. every time i think of something it gets lost in the way of more important things and then a week later when i finally get to sit down i do not feel it is relevant anymore.

lack of writing time could be due to the fact that i have been spoiled lately, with a nick at my house several nights in a row. he is a transient at the moment, with all his things shoved in his old room at his mother's house. the duplex leo bought isn't 'ready' yet. has to be cleaned or have floors torn up or some such nonsense. leo is a fool. i feel bad for him because his truck caught on fire though. either way, it is lovely to have nick around so often. because i know once he moves to east bay i won't see him nearly as much.

blinkblinkblink

which then again brings me to that vicious cycle. i need a car i need money i need a place to live. i need a car because the saturn died in february and i have been relying on the good nature of others to get around, in addition to public transportation and moving distances by foot. but this is getting to be tedious and a car is proven to be neccessary. my bank is having some special car sale with some dealership. i think it is next weekend. i think i'll try to go to the bank this week and see if i can get a loan for a car.

my brother wants to sell the trailer and buy a house. in addition to the fact that any money we put into this trailer is pretty much useless, we were robbed the other day. i don't mean robbed like cat burgler with a black mask and striped shirt came in and stole all of our valuable belongings. i mean like.

fuck. i really don't feel like talking about any of this. i don't even know how to go about thinking about it. i said some things to nick last night, things that i've been thinking the past few days but the kind of things you don't realise you seriously feel until you say them out loud. that i've been trying to get hold of things around me but i still feel helpless. like i have no control over anything. letting the world do its thing around me and rolling with the curves is all well and good.. but there has to be give & take and right now i'm not feeling that at all. he said that control is the easy part.. that i just have to do what is neccessary.. he told me i have to stop playing the martyr.. and i would have never applied that word toward myself. because i've never had any clear idea of what it actually meant but it always held a negative connotation. as he simply put it, i put myself down so others can succeed. and this is true, for my brother especially. i love him dearly and there is not a thing in this world i would not do for him. and i still feel like i need to be that person for him. because my dad never was (though you can be sure he would tell you differently) and my mom can't be.. but he is not my child. he is no one's child, he is an adult. capable of making his own decisions [and still my brain adds on but who will be there to save him?].

and i cannot expect anyone to put myself first but me. do you know how hard that is for me? how selfish i feel even thinking that? that became my dad's philosophy towards the end. no one gave a damn about number one but him. and godforbid i become anything more like my father than i already am.

but nick is right. every single thing he said to me last night was right.

and i need to learn how to hold my own hand

[addendum: and oh yeah, the drunk bitch across the street isn't so much of a bitch. she's just not used to anything but the crackheads next door being assholes. it pays to be nice]