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it's dry as hell in my head with this air

09 December 2019
1:21 am

"Don't all relationships end in tragedy?"

Yeah, that episode of Watchmen about lo e and stuff killed me. Like, I know I've been crying a lot and having emotions all year, but this was sobbing into a clutched blanket refusing comfort. Thinking same thoughts I had crossing the parking lot after work. I am content, I just...


I'm back to coded language and cutting out names, I guess. I was going to write about someone bugging me, but I'm afraid anyone who knows her would find this... anyone could... paranoia, paranoia, and the thing that makes me feel like I have to delete things I put on fb. Sometimes it works, but sometimes it backfires. It's not an ideal format, and I shouldn't be feeding it my words, yknow?


I should probably discourage people from mentioning that I've lost weight. I haven't done anything purposeful or healthy in that realm. I suppose working a standing job has made a difference (instead of the perma-bundle of the previous three years) and I joined a gym (to combat winter with vigorous exercise and doses of sunlight via tanning beds) but I haven't actually gone yet.

My diet is shit and consists of mostly cheese snacks and comforts, or whatever my mind will take. I've suddenly become picky, simple, and emotional. Food sounds and some related words scrape like forks on plates. I don't really want to eat in front of people most of the time. I am not deliberately not-eating 99% of the time. Very rarely I will willfully ignore the sound of a grumbling stomach, the same way I will very occasionally decide it is too late to get out of bed if I realize I've forgotten my meds. More often I just go all day without eating, or eat something small in the morning. Lately, even if I'm not over-hungry, when I finally get around to food, I cry a little. I tried to google this, but all I could find were things about being overjoyed by food or upset about eating. It's neither of those, it's involuntary. Anyway, this is part of why I find the intermittent fasting trend laughable. And why I think I should discourage people from saying I've lost weight - for all my acceptance work, it makes me feel good, like I should keep up whatever I'm doing. Except I'm not doing anything, and whatever I'm not-doing I probably should be doing. I've reported a
'decreased appetite' to the psych every appointment for the last three years, and have tried to talk about it directly to no response - I assume because I'm still 'overweight'. Perhaps it is better mentioned to the therapist or a GP, but I haven't seen the therapist in over a year, and I still don't have info about my health insurance renewal.

I feel like I've written about this before, which makes me want to delete it. I could go back and check, but I'm not going to, which also makes me want to delete it. But since I want to delete it, that means I should probably leave it.


More snow to start any minute, and then two days of highs in the single digits. The first of the season, and it feels very early. Round 12, here we go. God, that's insane. How have I survived? How will I continue?


I know, really, that I'm not, but so often I feel very alone. I don't know the difference between lonely and alone, I think. I don't think it's a lonely feeling though. It's a feeling of disconnection from everyone. I've been trying to reach out to people more often - people I'm close to, people with whom closeness has lapsed, and I just feel... further out. Sometimes even laying awake next to my lovepartner, who comforts and feeds me when I forget, I feel far away from everyone. My few friendships here are complicated and flawed. I feel a strain on my relationship with my closest friend (sorry, ma'am). Everyone else is always at a distance, I can't look customers in the eyes, and I'm out here on a moon, suffering a lonely utopia.

But this is a finger trap- the more I think it, the more I feel it.


Cadence noted I could be having hormone dumps from losing weight, and I've definitely noticed that, in the week and a half before my period I turn into a maniac. Not like, actual mania, just... FILLED WITH EVERY EMOTION, and sometimes yeah, bordering on psychotic. So, that could be a thing that should be watched for.


I did go back and look after all and (a) there are some repeat mentions but that's fine (b) apparently crying & eating has been a thing since at least July, so what the fuck (c) I really need to write some stuff here when I'm not venting my dark feelings, because this is really just maudlin, I say.


As another part of my plan to combat winter, I have been acquiring event tickets for early 2020. (20... 20.) So far, for March I managed Polica before it sold out, as it always does. Also, Murder By Death, who I shockingly have not seen since I think 2006. At first I kept forgetting their shows here, then they started skipping Minneapolis, presumably as punishment. I guess they're playing commemorative "old" music this tour, which is mostly what I'm familiar with, so I guess that's a reward. In January I'm going with Dan's sister to see a live Chuck Tingle podcast. I still have yet to read any of the books, but his internet presence delights me on both absurd and very real levels.

Tonight I was going to impulsively purchase a ticket for Jill Scott in February until I saw the show was standing room only (fine) for $70 (uhm) before taxes (yeesh), so that's out.

I'm also thinking I will start attending random comedy open mics, for those are the best and worst of life's offerings. I'm not planning on that leading to anything, but I still worship comedy, so I'll leave myself open to the possibility.


What else?

Oh heck, I thought it was 4 and it's nearly 5:30. It's just starting to get wet out there, but it's a little too warm for snow. I don't think the sun is peeking yet, but I imagine there will be grey skies and I won't see to know.