Shorter entries, yes. Every hour. Back to that.
I think I'm going to make a new website that's like that 'is mercury in retrograde' site, except it's going to be 'is my pharmacy fucked up again.'
indeed! it would say today. and the scanner tweeter says this time it's on fire!
what the fuck, I would say. it's not even near downtown. and it would say nothing because it is a website and it's not supposed to speak.
This is not the future.
So, I guess I'm gonna skip the med I'm almost out of tonight to give myself an extra day to call it in to a different place.
I wish I could experience full glee at watching a video of kids kick up a targey. Especially the one downtown, which is one of my favored enemies. I wish I could kick up a targey. But not like this. Fuck a targey, but this is not a game.
Yeah, "targey." Surprise curfew notification dropped me right back into rigidity and paranoia and, whee! what a time to quit smoking. what a time to force yourself to want to be alive!
In June, we were still smoking. We'd go out the front stoop and after a few nights I realized we were on the route home for the national guard. My timing was coincidence at first, then I went out on purpose. I didn't wave exactly, but I acknowledged their presence. Five trucks go by. Make sure they're accounted for. Make sure everyone is accounted for. I wasnt trying to normalize what was happening, but trying to stabilize my reality. Placing a curfew, after lockdown, was one thing, but the near constant ambient noise of helicopters and heavy fireworks drew fissures in my mind. The fireworks continued, almost nightly, through July 4th.
I wish I'd written about it while it was happening, but I didnt because my experience pales in comparison, in more ways than one. Which is fine and appropriate for public spaces, but even though there are a few of you here, I consider this private. Still, I couldn't.
I still could, but finding the words is hard. Mr Floyd's memorial mural was vandalized last week by some piece of shit kid. I went there in the first week or two after. I wanted to show far away family or friends with shitty opinions that this was a man and not a sensational headline. I could have walked there, but I'm glad I didn't because I got overwhelmed and couldn't handle the thick wall of pain and emotion, so I ended up sobbing between some dumpsters until I could get back to my car.
I don't know. Morale will not improve while the beatings continue. I don't know. This isn't a short entry. The last one was. Maybe the next one will be.
The city is hot. Quite literally- it's been 90, unusually warm. The country is hot.
I can't save everyone.
I am occasionally violent-minded, and typically non-violent in action (no real opportunity to prove it), but I will punch any motherfucker in the face who uses tonight's events to prove they don't know the difference between protesters and "rioters and looters", and I might punch anyone for talking about "rioters and looters" in a way I don't like.
I didn't go for a walk today because of the heat. I was finally able to go the last couple days after weeks of no activity due to back pain. I didnt realize how much even short walks affected me. Tomorrow I should go for a walk. Maybe try to smoke some weed. We'll see. We'll see.
Let's stop checking tweeters and listening for trucks and go to sleep. Or at least play a game.
I love you all