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he makes me want to hand myself over

14 October 2020
2:11 am

I looked back. I have been listening to Vespertine to put me to sleep for three months. Now it works, almost every night, like a spell. I know the feeling if the musical phrases where it kicks in fully, but off the top of my head, I couldn't tell you which part of what song.

On one of the nights I had to listen to it more than once, I was looking up lyrics to one of the songs. It pulls a little too hard. And I saw there was discussion of a line that hurt, though the line had sort of never made sense. And the discussion told me I had it wrong. Seventeen years of one very specific feeling, changed in a moment by the comments section of a lyrics website.

It's still a strong feeling.. but I have to let go of one for the other.

I looked at another website to confirm and made a mistake. A lyric, in the background. I never made sense of the sounds. I had the syllables all wrong. I can't remember what I'd attached to them anymore because now I know what the words are. They're beautiful, yet they find a way to hurt. And I can't go back now, like hearing a song with complex time signatures for the second time. I can't go back to not-knowing. The mystery. The bliss.

There's one more sacred line in the song. In my frenzy that night I started to look, but found not even a mention of it. I'm glad I stopped. I choose now to believe it's not in English, maybe not words at all. Keep it safe. Keep it raw. Keep it mine.