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notes diaryland
random! older

control yourself. take only what you need from it. a family of trees wanting to be haunted

15 September 2021
4:52 am

One day, sitting at a stoplight to turn onto a small parkway - which is always difficult because it means crossing a heavy traffic flow from the opposite direction - I catch a wave from the car facing me, signaling it's okay to turn before them... sudden crying is funny and nice

An earlier day, the trauma toy box creaks open and that night I am inconsolable for an hour after one article about a hurricane landfall that has nothing to do with me - it is not funny, but makes sense

I need to heal myself, I grasp at the air for tools

I'm glad I went to the park that day, glad I touched grass, because it made it easier to swallow the pill of my mom's mom's dementia, blood infection, an amputation in a Floridian ICU, and caretaker incompetence, but it has not been easy since to swallow the trembling lower lip of spotty information, possible social service intervention, mother support, guilt, and long held fears of what will happen to my own mind as it grows old - only to burst breathlessly at a string of loud pops speeding down the street behind my couch

I need to heal myself

If I cherry pick from most faiths, is it still appropriation because I don't do it right, even if it's been like 18 years and I have significant experiences

One minute I am adding random characters to text because I am falling asleep, and ten minutes later I am awake because I missed the window

I'd like to get back to a daytime schedule, thanks