Sitting at a stoplight looking up and seeing red light from my blinker flashing on a speed limit sign. Blink blink blink. Speed limit 45 speed limit 45 limit 45 limit 45 fourty five 45. Washed in red and blurry with every thick and resounding bass string pluck in three four measursed out ever so carefully bada daDUM bada daDUM bada daDUM first third sixth third first sixth six six six vibrato tremelo staccato allegro bridge wash lather rinse repeat as needed.

Only I can't seem to find the song I was listening to at the time. So repeating is not an option.

The good days continue to be amazing and a few moments have tried to threaten at least the stability of it but I am doing my best to keep them at bay and as ineffective as possible. Strange moments of closure have been abound... a few nights ago Andy and I were on the phone and I said to him, "Andy, I cannot do this." Meaning quite frankly that I could not be friends with him sitting on the phone for a half an hour and listening made me see that those two months were a long time ago and those two months are not something I wanted to be a part of again in any way shape or form. This translates into making it very easy for me to tell Tony pretty much the same thing. Not that there was any question of the answer. But last week he came to talk to me and pleaded his case and due to post show jitters and my mind winding up when he asked me to be friends I said we'd talk next week. And today before the show there was loud and angry music and I ran outside for a comfort zone and found Marty. Oh Marty Marty, I said. There is angry music and it is making me want to kick in someone's face.. and I just might do it! And I looked up and Tony was right there. I thought that might be enough but no the boy came back for more right after the show but I knocked 'em down, knocked 'em out.

"So, are we going to talk?"
"No. I'm sorry. But I can't go backwards."
He said okay gave me a look and walked away. Yeah. That's your crown of horns, buddy.

There is that smooth calm and quiet haziness around all this.. kneejerk moments of sleeping interrupted with quitely tapping thoughts until I go to the gasstation where I see the friend of the guy who works the graveyard shift night after night and all I know of him is that he drives a silver Altima and just now he told me that he was going to come into the restaurant I work at and would I talk to him if he did. "No," I said, because it is five am and I am a little jokester in the early morning hours. "If you come specifically into the restaurant specifically for me, I am going to completely ignore you."
"Oh," he said as I was walking out. "Oh, you're breaking my heart." and I said silly boy you watch out I will eat you alive. Though really the truth is that I didn't say that and I would not could not eat him alive because for reasons other than those and perfectly honestly I am never as frightening as I claim to be. Overexaggeration is protection and if I can't accept a compliment then I have no expectations to meet and I will not disappoint you.

There is that smooth calm and quiet haziness around all this and really this time I swear the pleasure is all mine and due in part to the sultrysultry bahdumdaCHCH bahdumdaCHCH on the radio. I want to touch you baby I want to kiss you baby I want to feel you with my love crazy how I feel this way hazy how you make me say the things I always say it's the way I feel inside.. hahahah. How fun. Oh honey you know I love cheesy words love jazz weird synthetic noise songs because they are oh so much more enjoyable then hearing you left without saying goodbye although I'm sure you tried another time and having to picture it all over again. Oh, how that is the last thing I need to be doing. But as I have shown, as long as I change the radio station every so often there should be clear skies ahead.

Sometimes there are things in life that cannot justifiably be resisted and good lord why should they even be considered otherwise? But that was the plan and it is because of past mistakes in denouncing the plan that I'd shied away

"Eleven minutes till six and we are your NPR station." I hope that doesn't signify the end of the programme and the beginning of the news. That would require movement on my part to fix a musical situation because my mouse is on the floor and my CD's are all out of arms reach and I am ever so comfortable.

because of past mistakes in the plan that I'd shied away but we are full of mistakes and an even greater mistake it would be to let something so wonderful stroll on by.

but when I heard his song and his strings so full of joy that had so much to say he washed my clouds away.. dammit! I love this station.

My hands must love the smell of him as much as I do because they have grabbed hold of solitary moments and are refusing to let go. Pleasant lovely warm and soft things. Capital d.

Some things I have looked back on and wish I hadn't written to the point of even considering their removal because don't I feel foolish, but this. These. Collections of rambling random thoughts. I just can't get enough.