i've just realised that there isn't a clock in this room. that drives me absolutely batty. how can you not have a clock, for god's sake? surely you must understand that the entire free world does not own a watch. they should institute a new law. rooms without clocks shall hand watches out at the door.

perhaps we are some research test group, unwittingly participating in a time measurement deprivation experiment. but everyone else seems to have had the good sense enough to carry a watch.

and while on the subject of time, what a blatant waste of it this class is. we sit here. we stare. occasionally, we comment on something in the book or something in the air or what. and today, we are held prisoner for an extra hour. perhaps my instructor will have a nasty toe stubbing incident and will need to leave the class or she'll just get as exhausted by the silence as i am.

timetimetime. i'll not ask why things you want always come much slower than that you couldn't give a shit about. all week i have been waiting for friday. all my life i have been waiting for friday. allright. that's extreme. but as much as i am going to miss sean, i get to go hooome. home home home to familiarity and angie, who i miss so much. don't get me wrong, it's not that i don't like this place.. okay, that's a lie. i really don't, for the most part. sure, it has its moments, and i always said i hated tarpon and wanted out- but i'm not sure i exhausted all the possibilities of what i so affectionately refer to as my hometown. fuck. i forgot these pants smell funny. the smell is deafening, even with this desk between us.

why do we waste so much time? we talk and talk and talk and no words come out. we are only contributing air to the silence, strengthening its power, greatening its hold. soon, the silence will take over like the inky black tongue of a giant sea serpent, rolling & flicking to reach every microscopic measure of each corner and creivce. do you not see what is heading your way, you foolish people?! do you not see the panic you are creating in me? look into my eyes and see what silence and darkness create! why could i not be blessed with a room with a clock? what have you done?! two down, how many more must fall before you release me from your inky black grip? you're staining my clothing! rolling and tumbling through the air- through the bullshit- through the void and if i had any idea where i'd come out, i think i'd be there already. can't you hear my nonsensical cries? can't you see me reaching out for the edge of the branch, another one just out of reach? i am no squirrel.

speech. do you hear? miss cleo and her wacky tarot ways just spoke through me, made my voice- my PRESENCE- known. now they can track me...

these are the things that are leading me to seek free and confidential psychiatric help.

am i stuck now? frozen in time, this element that continues to return. end this crazy turn of events.

****************

another page, minutes later...

i don't know where to begin. i really don't.
i just want a decent sandwich. money would.

to say the principle of academic integrity is not highly rated in one's value system would give the impression of an indecent human being. "how dare you", you might add. but its survival of the fittest and i'd rather be dead then dumb. i wish i were still sleeping. i could have opted to not come to class and probably been as well off, except that i believe there is a limit to two classes missed, and i've already extinguished one of those possibilities. i wish this class was online... but that would probably defeat the purpose of it.

why is it that i never wake up hungry but whenever there is no possibility of me returning to the room between this class and psychology, my stomach creaks and groans and burns. i don't need to EAT. i could run back, grab a slim fast. but alack, alas, there is not enough time. god save rollerblades.

*******************
no, this is indeed NOT from my notebook.

pseudosara: and though i am making progress in my four year plan to go intellectually insane, no creativity has come as of yet
Stepbunny: what plan is this?
pseudosara: i decided that in the four years that i am supposed to be here, i will go.. well.. crazy. but not like, crazy man walking down the street talking to himself crazy. like.. insane. something to write about. yeah.
Stepbunny: like, legendary kind of crazy, not paranoid schizo
pseudosara: right on
pseudosara: although
pseudosara: sean told me that when he took psych last year, his teacher told them to be careful, because they would start exhibiting symptoms of whatever they were studying
pseudosara: he told me after i started freaking out after my psych class today
pseudosara: today i learned about skitzophrenia.. symptoms.. when it occurs (late teens to early twenties)
pseudosara: but i'm feeling a little better now. *twitch*
Stepbunny: well, if you keep talking like that, you will fufill a very bad self fufilling prophecy. the brain is a powerful thing
pseudosara: :-)

i sense your envy of my neck.



that's all she wrote, folks.